I shouldn't post this


Okay so while I'm in the blogging mood I felt the need to write my feelings out to help me make sense of them. Lately I've just haven't felt myself, I've made rash decisions which I'm kinda of loving but at the same time I've just seemed to be distancing myself from everyone.



University is great but it feels so bloody lonely at times. Like I miss being able to be myself 24/7, I know people who can be like that at uni and I'm so jealous of them, it's not even real. For me I'll start opening up to others but then when I feel like I'm getting too involved I press self destruct and I get out of there as quickly as possible. I want people to know the real me but it scares me when people get too close. I like my own company, my own space, not to offend anyone but sometimes I'd happily stay in on my own over going on a night out. But at uni it's like having this consistent pressure to be sociable/ outgoing 24/7 but that's just not me- I've never been and never will be like that. No matter how much I wish that would change it just is never going to.

I am my own worst enemy, once I get it into my head that people are better off without me, I just don't try anymore because what if I continue trying & get hurt?
I've been hurt before I just know I couldn't go through that again. So I lose friends and like I always do, I end up on my own, it feels like I'm looking inside from the outside, because I've distanced myself so much that people just don't want to be around me anymore.
I'm not fun when I'm like this, I just feel fed up with life, I give up with everything, I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere. 
Why try when you're getting nothing back? 

Please say I'm not the only one who's ever felt like this.
Can you relate?

Take Care & speak soon 

X


4 comments:

  1. Hey, just wanted to say don't feel lonely ❤️✨ you should be proud of being independent! We should build each other up and install confidence in each other, you've totally got this and don't let anyone say you haven't, especially if it's you telling yourself that!
    You'll honestly learn to not be bothered what other people think with time, it's something I've just about learnt now as i've gotten older but found hard when I was your age. You'll find you don't have time to care about what people think because you're too busy doing you (as cheesy as it sounds) and putting energy into the things you want to achieve. There's more to life than going out every night and you are absolutely not missing ANYTHING. Plus think of the money you'll be saving to treat yourself with ;) and remember anyone that isn't accepting of you, doesn't want to get to know you, or care what you have to say is someone you shouldn't waste your time on anyway honey.
    I work literally all the time outside of uni so don't even have the time to go out, and rarely want to anyway. I'd absolutely rather be spending my time chilling, most likely being classed as 'antisocial' and doing my own thing so I completely agree. And definitely don't change you if that isn't who you are.
    Don't worry we all get down sometimes, I find throwing myself into some form of exercise can help even if its 10 minutes of venting worry, or anger, or that little paranoia and self-depreciation that creeps up every now and again. Other times I'll make a sort of 'plan-of-action' that can help motivate me or remind myself of opportunities I can be taking. Another is doing some mindful activities to give your head chance to turn off and stop worrying about the little things, in fact I've been meaning to write a blog post on mindfulness tips! Or even an indulgent beauty treatment; even if its just a foot rub or new nail colour (I highly recommend the beauty temple in town) it can make all the difference
    A lot of this sounds cliche, but its honestly the truth! Hope you feel better and stronger and prouder, and don't forget our current deadline is over soon THANK GOODNESS xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Hey Charlotte, Thank you so much for your lovely comment, it actually means so much! And you're totally right we should be proud of being independent. I can't wait till i'm no longer bothered by what people think.... I spend way too much time bothered by what others think of me when I should definitely be focused on being happy. True I am saving money- that modern renaissance palette has my name on it lol. Thanks for the tip about exercise- i need to just take a break sometimes so working out will be perfect, can't believe I didn't think of it before. You should totally do a post on mindfulness tips- I 100% need that kind of post in my life. I've actually been meaning to get my nails done so I can't wait to check beauty temple out.
      Gonna celebrate so much when the deadline is over it's actually unreal- a FCP party is need thats for sure.
      xxx

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  2. (OH MY GOSH I've written an essay 😂)

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    Replies
    1. Haha don't worry I wrote an essay too!

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