i am not a failure.

"Everyone is working on life at their own pace, in their own lane"

Wowwweeee this has taken me a long time to figure out. Since graduating university I have felt massively lost with where I am and where I want to go. With friends and other graduates finding roles so quickly I couldn't help but fall into this sinking hole of sadness. I felt rubbish and felt like everything I've ever dreamed of was slipping through my fingers and nothing I could do stopped it. I couldn't understand that why with a degree I've always wanted that nothing felt right, job roles didn't excite me and the constant knock backs felt like they got me nowhere but filled me with tears. 

Over the past month I may have not secured the job I've been looking for but I know it's not through the lack of trying. Back at the beginning of October I was sitting on the jobs section of LinkedIn for easily 3 hours a day, whilst yes you do have to be actively looking for a job (imagine if it could find you), it took me a while to realise that this wasn't healthy. Suddenly I was falling into this big black hole where even waking up in the morning made me sad, I didn't really want to get out of bed because I didn't have anything to do with my day. There was a lot of tears sometimes I cried for hours for no apparent reason but I just could not make myself stop, I isolated myself from friends and I felt trapped in my home. I became lost in myself, I stopped making the effort with people because I didn't feel like I was worth knowing. For me 2019 has had some crazy highs after all I achieved what I wanted but equally some of the lowest lows, mentally I'd become so sad, sad is honestly the only way I could describe it, the only way I could describe me. The worst part was I didn't even have any reason to be sad, (is what I'm only just starting to realise now). I know I shouldn't dwell on the bad stuff this year, but when I was admitted to hospital back in January it proper freaked me out, even once fully recovered it's taken me this long to stop being so scared that it would happen all over again. Every special occasion I've had in the past 6 months, constantly in the back of my mind I just couldn't stop thinking to myself what if it happens all over again, I don't deserve to be happy. Which I now realise is utter rubbish, okay so you never know what's round the corner but I can't spend my life living like this because I wasn't living. Thursday this past week something just clicked in me, after a long overdue chat with my mum (and a few more tears) I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I'd been carrying so much unnecessary stress and worry because for a long time I've felt so out of place. The power of talking changed that for me. 

Obviously whilst I've been on the job hunt, YouTube has become a creative space I've explored and I really think it's helped get me back to my normal self, back to me again. I know everyone says this but I really couldn't care less if only one person watches it, because throughout that whole filming, editing and uploading process it gave me something to get up for in my day. It gave me short term motivations that stopped me pressing the self destruct button. Today for the first time I laughed out loud whilst out food shopping with my parents over something completely silly and for the first time in a very long time it felt so pure and weightless, I felt back to my old self again. For me rediscovering "me" was what I needed more than anything over this past month, and whilst I am still applying for jobs in the same old manner, I'm actually getting excited filling out the applications again. I'm thinking more creatively about what will make me stand out, and more importantly I'm applying more on brand for roles that don't feel so out of my reach. 

It's taken me so long to get back to this place again. to get back to me. To find not necessarily what I've been looking for but finding somewhere close. Now I know and truly believe that 'hey so I don't have my graduate job yet' but that's okay because something out there is made more perfect for me. Everyone is going at there own pace and I don't need to feel shit about myself for not achieving everything at the same pace as everyone else. I am not a failure because I am in my own lane doing things at my own rate, just remember that. 

xxx

I just can't figure me out

For the first September in 17 years I am not going back into education and I really don't know how I feel about it. Like wowwwwww 17 years was a long time and now I have a lot of free time on my hands & no bloody idea of what to do with it all.

Obviously the long waiting game of job hunting has begun, after my internship in August I decided to go back to the drawing board and try to decide what I really what to achieve. Deciding this was a lot nicer by the pool in Morocco then actually putting it into action, so my parents have given me a deadline, find a 'proper' job by the end of October or it's back to Odeon until something pops up. Okay so I guessing what you're all thinking the end of October is a long time away and truth is it is, we haven't even started the month yet. But it's kinda hard to find a job when I just feel a bit stuck. The only way I can describe how I'm feeling is like being tank that's slowly filling with water and whilst there's a simple solution to open the lid I just can't figure it out. I just can't figure me out. 

As cliche, naive and whatever else you want to call it, I know I want to achieve something amazing but I feel like a failure because I'm not achieving that amazing thing right here & now. I think more people need to talk about life after uni because finishing and graduating university is an amazing thing, but no-one really talks about how your meant to feel after, I'm talking about after all the hype has died down and suddenly the people you graduated with are split between having found their 'it' that first proper job and just being stuck in the in-between. I loved my course & my uni but no one tells you how you can quite literally apply to hundreds of jobs and not get one offer even with the degree grade, or how even landing an interview is a mission on it's own and of course how to deal with the rejection of going through all that and ending up back at square 1 again. Adulting is hard and it can be proper deflating, at uni I felt so sure of everything and now I don't feel sure of anything. I want to feel inspired again but I just don't know how to get there. 

I've started forcing myself to physically be creative but like any creative knows forcing yourself is not going to make you create anything you really like or want to share with the world. I just want to feel like me again. So if you have any advice I'm all ears to listen. I need to find my mojo again & rediscover that thing that makes me jump out of bed in the morning.

XXX

"Well that is the job of an intern?!"

The fashion world can be massively competitive, bitchy and bloody tough to crack, but no matter what the horror stories I've heard in the past, I was and still am massively determined to give it bloody everything I have. It took years to figure out my niche and a degree to hold it all in place, for me finding out I had a month's long internship with a brand I've not only followed for years but who I personally love aesthetic wise- I thought that everything was falling into place.

With less than a week left, and September dawning I kinda thought you know what I'll share my experience. An experience it was indeed.

For me I live in what feels like the middle of nowhere, okay so maybe technically it's not quite as remote as I make out but fashion wise, it might as well be a tiny field on a remote island, I always knew relocating would be a necessity as much as a desire. Manchester or London (or NYC one day) realistically they're the places I'll have to go. For this specific internship London came calling, an actual dream come true; my room is bliss, I love the bright buzz of the city and having everything I thought I could possibly ever need a few tube stops away, it really did feel perfect! Whilst the daily tube commute isn't the most luxurious, deep down I didn't mind it because I thought this was it, my very first crack into industry barely two weeks after graduation.

Looking back at the past 3 going on 4 weeks is a weird mix of emotions, part of me feels proud- living in London knowing very few people is daunting for anyone and it's something I never truly thought I'd do especially not at the age of 22. And the other part of me feels like a very, very tiny fish in a very big pond. I knew industry was always going to be a big step from university, everyone within the industry relies on tasks being completed promptly within an extremely, fast paced environment- it's tough. Mentally damn it was tough. Whilst I am incredibly grateful for the experience I honestly don't think I've ever felt as inadequate as I have recently. It had me questioning everything; did I do the right degree, will I ever make it in this cut throat industry and most importantly I questioned my own creative abilities. I felt like nothing and no one surrounded by people who were somebody's going places. I am not slating the company I interned for or any of the people I've met along the way but it was an eye opening experience, more than I ever expected it to be. I know the phrase everyone has to start somewhere but I just didn't expect this.

Obviously the job role intern comes with crappy tasks making you question why you're even there in the first place, with only my tube expenses paid for, I am not going to lie financially interning is tough alone. Working for free with a degree qualification is quite demoralising, I am a strong believer that over 20 years old you should be paid at least the minimum wage for any internship, it's free labour and quite frankly it's not fair. Fair enough from a business perspective I get hiring interns and paying them could be risky but realistically how do companies expect people to support themselves and gain highly requested industry experience without a wage? I know I knew all of this when I accepted the internship, I choose & kinda agreed to the not being paid contract but when you're doing the same long hours and gruelling tasks it kinda makes you & your work feel worthless.

I don't hate my internship, but I really don't love it like I imagined I would. I still like the company, the people were friendly most of the time with a few exceptions, but besides the feeling of being inadequate, I just found it boring. Like I even feel bad typing that right now- should I even say that? But it's true. Whilst I love Pinterest, personally I don't want to be sat scrolling more 7 hours or more a day on it, creating styling boards that don't even really get consider- it just felt like I was wasting my time for my creative eye to not even be given a chance. Speaking of time, there just wasn't enough to fill my day, I am one of those people who likes to be busy and whilst I did have a few days where I didn't really stop especially when it came to organising shoot products. Generally it felt like I was watching the clock- counting down the hours till I could leave but surely thats not right I'm in the industry I want my career in I shouldn't be clock watching or counting the days till the weekend.

I was hired as a photography intern, and whilst I knew there was going to be parts that were going to be dull, I just didn't expect the entire 3 weeks to feel like that. Shoot days granted they go quicker, but I couldn't help but feel like a spare part, surrounded by creative people doing creative things and what was I doing, the boring typical tea/coffee duties, hoovering, steaming and organising lunch. I mean that's not what I signed up for. Fair enough I know you have to start from the bottom but it felt pointless and underwhelming, my favourite one liner from my experience has been "well that is the job of an intern" but why should it be. Yes this was a learning experience, and yes that is the purpose of interning and yes I have realised I want the exact opposite to what I just interned in. I am creative, I want to be creative, physically making creative things. I want to be the one designing cool graphics or taking cool shots on shoot, creating something that's mine not something that I have to give credit to someone else for. I've met a lot of self-righteous people lately who seem to think because I didn't go to a London uni or because I did a more general fashion covered degree that I'm less of a creative, my creative opinion didn't count for anything and I hated that.

Yes I am grateful for the experience, but I will be finishing this coming Thursday with the knowledge that I definitely don't want to intern again in what I just have done. I will be looking for more hands on creative experiences from now on so I guess it's taught me something. I don't think interning will get any easier, networking is key but I wasn't myself here, I dreaded my alarm going off in the morning not because of the 6am start but the purpose didn't make it worthwhile, I felt like I faded into the background, whilst I wanted the contacts I didn't feel worthy enough to have them. I was paranoid that my work wasn't good enough and honestly their is nothing more kick in the teeth than feeling undervalued.

I am aware that I need more industry experience, and whilst this experience has made me feel about 10cm tall I will be putting myself out there to more creative experiences, maybe I'll just put the empathsis more on being the creative next time. 

XXX

Lost somewhere in-between

Well it's been sometime again hasn't it? Almost two months ago since I wrote my last blog post where I distinctly remember saying I'll be more consistent and two months later not much more has changed. *Awards self the prize for commitment lol*

I'm not going to do another life update because I do so many of those on here that I think it's actually hard to live in the present. But I will say that I'm very proud to have finished uni & all the tears, stress and long days were well worth it because I'll be graduating with a first class honours degree. I can't even tell you how that felt, like everyone else I'd wanted and worked for it for so long that the first thing I actually did when I found out was sit down and cry, believe me all the emotions came at once and I couldn't stop shaking through shock. I know I'd had a lot of people tell me before the results were released that they thought I'd get that but truth was I never actually thought I would do it. And two weeks today I'll officially graduate NTU, which is unreal and very bittersweet- I am ready to move on but uni really was some of the best years of my life.

So the question is what do i do now? 

Moved back home, went back to my old holiday job and signed a more permanent contract for the meanwhile. Grateful to have it but also can't help but count the hours till the end of my shifts or the days till I get a day off. I guess leaving uni is weird, everyone must feel it, you go from living the some of the best 3/4 years of your life, being sociable 24/7, partying almost non-stop and having complete independence, to moving back home. Where my life is pretty much going to work, going to the gym and watching love island. That's my life now and as happy as I am to have some downtime I really can't help but feel lost somewhere in-between. I mean I know what career I want to do, I have dreams about living in London/ New York and I certainly know I will be very motivated to get there. But what about the present, the here and now, the today? 

I just feel so weird at the minute I've gone from working a ridiculous amount of hours in the day on coursework and stressing non-stop to just nothing, almost a sense of emptiness. Suddenly it's harder to make plans when uni friends live several hours away and taking a flight would be cheaper than getting a train. I know we'll stay in touch but it's just sad not being able to spontaneously say lets go for a drink. My plan always was to move back home, work a mundane job that allows me to save to figure out my next move. But truth is it's been 3 weeks and already feels like a lifetime, I'm tired of aggy people and not doing something I'm passionate about. In all honestly it's nice to be home but in the back of my mind I'm thinking how long will it be home for, I spent 3 years in limbo between uni accommodation and home to the point that home stop feeling completely home a while ago. It's weird because people I know have already started their careers and I know I'm not ready for that, as much as I need to find something to be passionate about again I also need a break otherwise I'll burnout before I'm 30. I think what I've discovered about myself is that I'm very much that person who can't switch off, if I'm working on a project then my mind constantly ticks over thinking about it. So not having something to plan, work on is hard for me. In the meantime, I've found a slight saviour in the gym, for the first time in as long as I can remember I am eating well (I still have my sweet tooth don't worry) working out and making time to better myself physically. I don't really have an end goal, but the feeling of a good workout is one I can't beat even if I do feel like death in the making of it.

For me travel plans have always been a back thought, thorough-out school/ uni I was so intensely focused on academics that I didn't really get the chance to travel places I wanted to go. But deep down I always kinda hoped I'd find someone to travel with. But friends have their own plans which is totally fine and for me that just didn't happen. I am so torn with what to do. I know I have to have a break. Like most people I really do need it but really I don't want a break to be completely unbeneficial, although it is time to switch off I still need to discover something new from it to make it worthwhile in my own head if that makes sense to you. So thats what brought me back to travelling. I have been incredibly lucky to have gone abroad a lot growing up but seeing somewhere from a 5 star hotel is not quite the same as seeing it with your life in your backpack for 6 months. Although I hope to always be able to travel with work in the future I'm never going to have this much time and flexibility ever again and I know the second I start a new project and work full-time in the career I want I will not ever probably switch off to the point I can now. For my parents the thought of me, a girl travelling alone in what can be an unsafe world is a worry and I'd be lying if I said it didn't completely worry me too but just because you don't have others to go with shouldn't be the thing that stops you going. Sometimes you have to be selfish to the point of doing something because you wanted to do it, that way you'll only have mistakes not regrets. It's not set in stone yet, I'm probably 70/30 to going travelling, currently in the process of researching places and exploring travel options with companies, I'm meeting with like an advisor person tomorrow to speak in person about it so who knows if I'll take the leap.

What I do know is that I need to get out of this lost in-between mood and just do it. Not committing forever but committing long enough to make a change. Thats what I'll do. 

xxx

diss over n out

Woweeeeee what a day it has been. Today the 20th May 2019 or a few days ago as you're reading this is the day I submitted my dissertation and concluded 50% of my degree. Oh my days where has the past three years gone. It feels like only yesterday I was finishing my Art Foundation and now I've nearly completed an actual degree like okay someone pass me the pornstar martini already. Education is almost over and as of the 31st May I will be a free girl. Unbelievably scary but at the same time I can't help but get excited. 

I have loved uni, never thought I would but honestly it has been the best three years of my life; the laughs, the friends and the memories. There has been ups and downs and a whole lot of stress along the way but it has been more worthwhile then I'll ever know. As a final year and soon to be graduate going into the real world, it all seems a very daunting place, everywhere I go I get the same question 'so whats your plans for after uni' and if I'm honest every time I answer something completely different. Travelling one minute, freelance the next, committing to an actual 9-5 job might be slightly more believable but who knows. The truth is I know I'm well and truly done with education, the second I get an email about a MA course I'm like nope no thank you into the trash you go. As much as I love uni I do feel ready to leave, it's not that I haven't enjoy almost every day here (because I have) but I just feel ready to move onto something new, discover a new place,  do crazy creative things. Even as a child I was always crazily ambitious, whilst friends wanted to achieve more normal jobs never really leaving where they've grown up, I just knew that wasn't for me. I want to see the world, I want to work hard but also play hard and I want to achieve things I'm proud of, that's not me being cocky that's just me saying you only get one shot at life as cliche as that sounds but damn I'm gonna try my hardest to actually get somewhere. 

My parents gave me everything I could have ever needed growing up, they never left me wanting anything, some might say that spoilt others might disagree, my parents taught me that if i want something so badly then I have to work for it because then you'll appreciate it more knowing you did that. But my parents have never been happy in their jobs, I wouldn't say they were ever completely unhappy but it didn't make them want to get out of bed in the morning lets put it like that. For me that has always been my motivation, I don't want to look back in 50 years time and think oh I wish I'd have tried that or travelled there or taken that opportunity because those kind of things don't come around twice. Sometimes you've just got to go with your gut. I was talking to someone I worked with once and he said he was just waiting around for the dream job, but that might never come around and you might end up staying somewhere that just puts the coin into your bank constantly waiting around- is that really what you want to achieve? Whilst the dream job probably is out there, chances of stumbling upon it are about as likely as winning the lottery- never say never but never can be a long time to wait. I guess what I'm saying is the dream job might not happen but you can make sure you get somewhere bloody close. Sometimes things that were never planned actually actually turn out to be a 1000 times better anyway.

For the past year I have done a topic about a 'spontaneous heart' and whilst I was figuring out ways to reach my consumer it also got me thinking. Maybe I should be more spontaneous, celebrate the opportunities. Share the things your proud of, celebrate what you've achieved, go to new places despite not knowing where on earth you might end up and just live in the moment. Do it for you. In a weird way I feel like my life has been on pause for the past three years, whilst I have learnt so much, met so many amazing crazy people (hopefully friends for life) and pushed myself beyond everything I'd ever known before. In someway I feel I haven't completely gone with the flow because it felt like I had a responsibility to do what I came for, get a degree. But you leave with so much more. Your twenties should be reckless, change what you don't like, work hard, travel but also remember to breathe and take it all in. You thirties and beyond should follow suit, there is no set age to do things before, so just go with it and see where you end up. So I guess the next time someone asks me about future plans I'm not going to be afraid to turn around and admit to not having plans, I want to enjoy the tomorrow but maybe work on today first. Maybe for girl who dreams of living in a city where 'dreams are made', saving for a plane ticket is the answer. 

XXX

Well it's been one hell of a journey

Bet you actually can't believe you're reading this, I mean I actually can't believe I'm writing this. Not even joking blogger had to check who I was when I opened it just now and if that's not a sign of where the hell have you been then I don't know what is. My last post was August and SO much has changed since then it's crazy! I started my final year of uni (sobs loudly), picked a dissertation topic (finally), started working on a Live Levi's brief (ultimate dream), laughed a lot, cried a lot (I'll get into it), it's well and truly been a whirlwind. For months I haven't felt like sitting down to write and now I finally have it's just made me realise what a rollercoaster journey the last 10 month have been. So if you're willing to give this girl who has severely missed blogging another shot then read on to discover where exactly I've been (be warned tissues are probably going to be needed).

Okay so where to start. 

I guess lets go back to September. Oh my days that feels like a lifetime ago, honestly I started third year a different person to who I am now (also feel like I've aged about 10 years). September came around quicker than I could say dessert menu, suddenly it was time to pick a dissertation topic that 3 months earlier I had no idea about. Somehow this completely single probably most un-destined girl to be in a relationship girl you know did her dissertation on dating and wowwwwww I have loved every second of it. I may not be experienced in physical dating but I've had my fair share of online dating dead ends believe me. And I guess for a girl who grew up dreaming of a Disney fantasy the idea that love and romance does actually still exist kinda had me hooked so I just ran with it and my litle baby for the last year, Squeeze was born. 

October brought new job opportunities that my 15 year old self would have fainted with shock over. Yes a became a Topshop girl or basically somewhere close. I was employed by the fashion company Daisy Street to supervise the stocking of their collection within my local Topshop whilst working hours on the Topshop floor as well. It was a bittersweet opportunity, for years I wanted to be a Topshop girl and when it happened it made me wonder why. It also made this girl realise she wanted a career rather than just a job, not that there's anything wrong with working in a shop it just made me realise I needed something more than that. Truth was I found the whole thing boring, I was counting the seconds of every shift and it just wasn't what I thought it would be. I will be forever grateful for the opportunity from both Daisy Street and Topshop because it taught me two very important things. One not everything you dreamed of works out the way you wanted and two everything happens for a reason. For me I think I needed this job to understand how badly I want to work in fashion but to understand life is what you make it, if you want something so bad then it's only you who can change the situation you are in. 

We'll skip a few months

January omg wow this was the month where everything came together but also everything fell apart, I have truly never experienced such a low in my life as I did in January. January 9th 2019 was one of the worst days of my life, I woke up in such severe pain that lead to an emergency hospital admission and a very long, tearful waiting game. I had to have an emergency operation to remove something that had grown surprisingly big causing me to spend a week in hospital and left me feeling utterly broken. It caused me to cancel my NYC trip, miss weeks of university and basically turned me into someone who would cry on the daily. Honestly even writing this now makes me feel emotional because exactly 5 months ago to the day I was in one of the lowest points of my life and today I have been given the all clear. I know people suffer with worst and I can't even believe how strong those people are because they are honestly such a huge inspiration. I was tested beyond everything I'd possibly known, got tested for some very scary things that I never expect to be tested for at the age of 21 and honestly it gave me the biggest reality check of my life. I am unbelievably grateful to all my family and friends who supported me through it all- honestly that's what got me through it. But I am also proud of myself because through all of that I kept going, there were moments when I really didn't think I could but it wasn't until someone said to me 'that you only get the things in life that you are able to deal with' and that really stuck with me. Only 5 weeks after it happened I was presenting to Levis despite my parents and doctors telling me to take it easy. But I learnt a lot about myself, I learnt I was so much stronger than I ever knew, and my motivations got so much clearer. I was more determined to prove everyone wrong, I wasn't going to fall behind at uni because deep down doing coursework kept my sanity. I still get sad but it made me realise to not take things for granted as cliche as that sounds because I generally never thought I'd have been waking up one morning in the worst pain of my life completely out of the blue. But I did. It happened so appreciate the today. 

Moving on

February saw my work feature on Graduate Fashion Week's instagram page and I will never forget the smile that gave me. It came at one of my lowest times and reminded me that hard work does pay off so keep going because you've got this. 

April brought me confidence. I presented in a second year lecture- who, what even am I?  Doing this made me not even recognise myself, in first year this would have been my worst nightmare yet third year me did that like what. Confidence also came in the form of a job interview in a dream city that made life after university feel not far away at all. 

May 7th this girl finished her dissertation and sent it to the printers. It was both a massive relief and kinda surreal to know that something I've loved, stressed, hated and cried over for months is nearly over. It also means my degree is coming to a close, I don't even know where the last 3 years have gone like how am I in my final term of final year. But here I am. Still laughing, somewhat more tired, more emotional and hopefully more wiser I got here 3 years later. It's not over yet I still have sketchbooks to complete, a printed dissertation to collect and hand in plus a very scary but exciting brief for Levi's to finish and present. It's gonna be a hectic fews weeks indeed.

But if the last 10 months have taught me anything it's that there will be bumps in the road and nothing is plain sailing but only the things worth doing are some of the hardest, most emotional to achieve. The celebrations will be needed at the end trust me. So I guess this is me and the last 10 months in brief- it's been one hell of a journey. If you'd have told me this time last year that all of this crazy stuff would happen then I probably would never have believed you. So stick around because this girl & her slightly forgotten but still loved blog is back in town and you're not going to want to miss a thing. 

xxx