i am not a failure.

"Everyone is working on life at their own pace, in their own lane"

Wowwweeee this has taken me a long time to figure out. Since graduating university I have felt massively lost with where I am and where I want to go. With friends and other graduates finding roles so quickly I couldn't help but fall into this sinking hole of sadness. I felt rubbish and felt like everything I've ever dreamed of was slipping through my fingers and nothing I could do stopped it. I couldn't understand that why with a degree I've always wanted that nothing felt right, job roles didn't excite me and the constant knock backs felt like they got me nowhere but filled me with tears. 

Over the past month I may have not secured the job I've been looking for but I know it's not through the lack of trying. Back at the beginning of October I was sitting on the jobs section of LinkedIn for easily 3 hours a day, whilst yes you do have to be actively looking for a job (imagine if it could find you), it took me a while to realise that this wasn't healthy. Suddenly I was falling into this big black hole where even waking up in the morning made me sad, I didn't really want to get out of bed because I didn't have anything to do with my day. There was a lot of tears sometimes I cried for hours for no apparent reason but I just could not make myself stop, I isolated myself from friends and I felt trapped in my home. I became lost in myself, I stopped making the effort with people because I didn't feel like I was worth knowing. For me 2019 has had some crazy highs after all I achieved what I wanted but equally some of the lowest lows, mentally I'd become so sad, sad is honestly the only way I could describe it, the only way I could describe me. The worst part was I didn't even have any reason to be sad, (is what I'm only just starting to realise now). I know I shouldn't dwell on the bad stuff this year, but when I was admitted to hospital back in January it proper freaked me out, even once fully recovered it's taken me this long to stop being so scared that it would happen all over again. Every special occasion I've had in the past 6 months, constantly in the back of my mind I just couldn't stop thinking to myself what if it happens all over again, I don't deserve to be happy. Which I now realise is utter rubbish, okay so you never know what's round the corner but I can't spend my life living like this because I wasn't living. Thursday this past week something just clicked in me, after a long overdue chat with my mum (and a few more tears) I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I'd been carrying so much unnecessary stress and worry because for a long time I've felt so out of place. The power of talking changed that for me. 

Obviously whilst I've been on the job hunt, YouTube has become a creative space I've explored and I really think it's helped get me back to my normal self, back to me again. I know everyone says this but I really couldn't care less if only one person watches it, because throughout that whole filming, editing and uploading process it gave me something to get up for in my day. It gave me short term motivations that stopped me pressing the self destruct button. Today for the first time I laughed out loud whilst out food shopping with my parents over something completely silly and for the first time in a very long time it felt so pure and weightless, I felt back to my old self again. For me rediscovering "me" was what I needed more than anything over this past month, and whilst I am still applying for jobs in the same old manner, I'm actually getting excited filling out the applications again. I'm thinking more creatively about what will make me stand out, and more importantly I'm applying more on brand for roles that don't feel so out of my reach. 

It's taken me so long to get back to this place again. to get back to me. To find not necessarily what I've been looking for but finding somewhere close. Now I know and truly believe that 'hey so I don't have my graduate job yet' but that's okay because something out there is made more perfect for me. Everyone is going at there own pace and I don't need to feel shit about myself for not achieving everything at the same pace as everyone else. I am not a failure because I am in my own lane doing things at my own rate, just remember that. 

xxx