Lost somewhere in-between

Well it's been sometime again hasn't it? Almost two months ago since I wrote my last blog post where I distinctly remember saying I'll be more consistent and two months later not much more has changed. *Awards self the prize for commitment lol*

I'm not going to do another life update because I do so many of those on here that I think it's actually hard to live in the present. But I will say that I'm very proud to have finished uni & all the tears, stress and long days were well worth it because I'll be graduating with a first class honours degree. I can't even tell you how that felt, like everyone else I'd wanted and worked for it for so long that the first thing I actually did when I found out was sit down and cry, believe me all the emotions came at once and I couldn't stop shaking through shock. I know I'd had a lot of people tell me before the results were released that they thought I'd get that but truth was I never actually thought I would do it. And two weeks today I'll officially graduate NTU, which is unreal and very bittersweet- I am ready to move on but uni really was some of the best years of my life.

So the question is what do i do now? 

Moved back home, went back to my old holiday job and signed a more permanent contract for the meanwhile. Grateful to have it but also can't help but count the hours till the end of my shifts or the days till I get a day off. I guess leaving uni is weird, everyone must feel it, you go from living the some of the best 3/4 years of your life, being sociable 24/7, partying almost non-stop and having complete independence, to moving back home. Where my life is pretty much going to work, going to the gym and watching love island. That's my life now and as happy as I am to have some downtime I really can't help but feel lost somewhere in-between. I mean I know what career I want to do, I have dreams about living in London/ New York and I certainly know I will be very motivated to get there. But what about the present, the here and now, the today? 

I just feel so weird at the minute I've gone from working a ridiculous amount of hours in the day on coursework and stressing non-stop to just nothing, almost a sense of emptiness. Suddenly it's harder to make plans when uni friends live several hours away and taking a flight would be cheaper than getting a train. I know we'll stay in touch but it's just sad not being able to spontaneously say lets go for a drink. My plan always was to move back home, work a mundane job that allows me to save to figure out my next move. But truth is it's been 3 weeks and already feels like a lifetime, I'm tired of aggy people and not doing something I'm passionate about. In all honestly it's nice to be home but in the back of my mind I'm thinking how long will it be home for, I spent 3 years in limbo between uni accommodation and home to the point that home stop feeling completely home a while ago. It's weird because people I know have already started their careers and I know I'm not ready for that, as much as I need to find something to be passionate about again I also need a break otherwise I'll burnout before I'm 30. I think what I've discovered about myself is that I'm very much that person who can't switch off, if I'm working on a project then my mind constantly ticks over thinking about it. So not having something to plan, work on is hard for me. In the meantime, I've found a slight saviour in the gym, for the first time in as long as I can remember I am eating well (I still have my sweet tooth don't worry) working out and making time to better myself physically. I don't really have an end goal, but the feeling of a good workout is one I can't beat even if I do feel like death in the making of it.

For me travel plans have always been a back thought, thorough-out school/ uni I was so intensely focused on academics that I didn't really get the chance to travel places I wanted to go. But deep down I always kinda hoped I'd find someone to travel with. But friends have their own plans which is totally fine and for me that just didn't happen. I am so torn with what to do. I know I have to have a break. Like most people I really do need it but really I don't want a break to be completely unbeneficial, although it is time to switch off I still need to discover something new from it to make it worthwhile in my own head if that makes sense to you. So thats what brought me back to travelling. I have been incredibly lucky to have gone abroad a lot growing up but seeing somewhere from a 5 star hotel is not quite the same as seeing it with your life in your backpack for 6 months. Although I hope to always be able to travel with work in the future I'm never going to have this much time and flexibility ever again and I know the second I start a new project and work full-time in the career I want I will not ever probably switch off to the point I can now. For my parents the thought of me, a girl travelling alone in what can be an unsafe world is a worry and I'd be lying if I said it didn't completely worry me too but just because you don't have others to go with shouldn't be the thing that stops you going. Sometimes you have to be selfish to the point of doing something because you wanted to do it, that way you'll only have mistakes not regrets. It's not set in stone yet, I'm probably 70/30 to going travelling, currently in the process of researching places and exploring travel options with companies, I'm meeting with like an advisor person tomorrow to speak in person about it so who knows if I'll take the leap.

What I do know is that I need to get out of this lost in-between mood and just do it. Not committing forever but committing long enough to make a change. Thats what I'll do. 

xxx