Am I Growing up?

Adulthood is a scary word, yes it's exciting the thought of what the future may hold but at the same time I can't help but think am I quite ready for it all? Lets face it, your entire childhood life is about building up skills, qualifications and experiences ready for that moment you have to go out into the big, wide world... 

I turn 21 this summer and quite frankly I still feel about 17 years old, I'm not sure I'm ready to become an official adult. Okay so maybe I am half way there already, after all I pay my own phone bill, I manage my own commitments, I'm the lead tennant for our student house, I have my driving license but am I quite ready? Uni to me makes you grow up, you have to learn to cook for yourself, wash your clothes yourself, budget as well as handling a social life and those all important deadlines. Sometimes it does feel like you're at the circus and you're the act juggling your life whilst people around you are waiting to see if you slip up. Life is hard. 

A few months back I even had to renew my own passport myself and let me tell you that was the first time I felt like an adult since passing my driving test 2 years ago. Don't get me wrong I'm excited for the future and I may be a little weird saying this but I can't wait to get my first full time job (hopefully at a magazine), it feels like I've been working my entire life to get to this point so now third's years just around the corner it feels like everything's falling into place. I saw a tweet yesterday which basically said "Ever feel like your life is falling together and falling apart at the same time" and honestly I have never related to something anymore in my life. Life does feel like it's falling together at the minute, I had a fab group of friends, my course is going well and even my social life is somewhat existent which really is a miracle in itself! But perhaps most important of all I feel the happiest I've felt in years, I don't know if it's because I'm growing up or what but even little things like my relationship with my parents has changed, we no longer argue about the stupid stuff. Then at the same time my life feels like it's falling apart, deadlines have me stressed even though they are a few months away, the amount of work I have to do gives me about 5 heart attacks a day, the internship hunt for summer is going about as flat as my job hunt and I'm worried about going into third year after summer. I'm scared and stressed about the workload, I know I'll have at least one breakdown a week and I don't want to think about life after uni quite just yet at least. 

So maybe I am taking that leap from childhood to adulthood, before you know it I'll be moving out permanently, settling down into this own life that I've created. I have friends who are already at this stage, they're moving out, having babies, getting engaged they're actual adults! Like they're not children anymore. Then there's me who still enjoys the chocolate milk you get after a bowl of coco pops and just a roundabout part time comedian when I'm not head down in my sketchbook. 

But I guess that's okay, I guess you don't always have to be conventional, because no offence to anyone but conventional can get very boring, very quickly. One thing I have never been is standard, one day I'll dress head to toe Clueless themed and the next I'll look about as far as you can get from a fashion student, yes I do own a pair of crocs and yes I do wear them with socks. I am ashamed. Take my music taste even, one minute I can be jamming out to Busted, the next a bit of Ella Eyre or Fifth Harmony, then maybe some Halsey or the Hunna before doing the full circle and listening to Dolly Parton... "working 9-5 what a way to make a living...". 

So yeh that's me a bit of a odd mix, or maybe just a bit odd to be honest. But I think I am about ready to admit I am becoming an adult. Okay so I'll probably still have those childish 'I'm not going' strops and you better believe it'll be a while before I stop playing pranks because my inner tomboy isn't going anyway anytime soon but maybe I am ready to enter what seems to be the mundane part of my life, adulthood. Or maybe it might just be my most exciting adventure yet... I'll guess you'll just have to stick around to find out.

See you Monday 

XOX 

Clearly clueless

It has been a while since I last posted... life got hectic very quickly, suddenly I was drowning in presentation after presentation, I had a truck load of sketchbook work that needed attention and I really had no motivation to sit down & write. 

I've always said this blog has never been something I wanted to become a chore to do, writing to me feels like nothing else, it's like when I put my thoughts on the page everything honestly becomes clearer than it ever could in my head. With this blog fast approaching that what feels unreal 50K mark, I didn't want my content to not mean anything any more. I started this because I wanted to, because to me having this space made that huge dream of writing for The NY Times or magazines such as i-D or Dazed feel that bit more achievable. So when I suddenly felt uninspired by everything happening in my life the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and type. But I'm back. Still with that truck load of work trailing slowly behind me but feeling somewhat more 'me' and motivated for this place again. I'm going to say this now... I probably won't be back consistently but I think writing my thoughts on here might just save me in the stressful deadline months to come. 

I would say I'm 'Clearly Clueless' in a LOT of things, being 20 definitely doesn't make you not make mistakes believe me! Life let's face it needs a clueless reaction sometimes, after all we're only human, cheesy I know but it doesn't matter if you make mistakes what matters is how you overcome them. I am that friend who gets asked a lot for advice, obviously I give my opinion but I can't help but think 'I'm clueless in that why ask me?'. But today it dawned on me that just because you're clueless in something doesn't mean you don't have the right to say what you think, sometimes you need that clueless point of view for everything to properly make sense. 

Right before this Easter break we were given our scariest brief yet, perhaps one I've never been more clueless about... a report on 2 possible final year dissertation ideas and I'm internally screaming not going to lie. I don't feel ready for something that seems so serious, I'm clueless in what I want to do... suddenly that cap and gown day feels scarily close. Whilst to graduate and to hopefully work successfully in the magazine field is still my dream, it's frightening to think how fast it's approaching. I feel like I just want to press pause on the whole uni experience, I love the uni bubble more than I ever thought I possibly could, it really is like having the best of both worlds between home & uni. Yes there are times where I have to live off pesto pasta because thats about all I can afford and although I love my course it generally makes me question my sanity when I end up spending hours perfecting a sketchbook page or an indesign layout. But I wouldn't change a thing. Not the people, not the course, not the partying, not any of it, well maybe the debt but thats about all. Uni for me is that one place where I don't feel clueless, it feels like I have my little indecisive life somewhat slightly organised in a dysfunctional way. It makes me feel happy. 

So maybe I'm not as clueless as I first thought, maybe I shouldn't panic. Yes third term starts in 2 weeks and I know it'll be hella stressful... don't even get me started on third year. But at the end of it all I shouldn't be clueless, I've done the studying, I've attended almost all the lectures (it wasn't me it was the vodka lemonade) I am getting there, I know I am. I know what I want to achieve so guess you could argue I'm really not that clueless at all. Maybe a little unsure but right now it feels like the most clueless thing about me is my dress sense (yes that outfit above was entirely inspired by the film & Lissy Roddy's insta). There isn't anything clueless about that.

Stick around because I am getting my schedule back on track, so see you Friday for more clueless ramblings.

XOX

Images: All my own.