just do you

With lockdown is still popping off so I thought I'd check in and see how we're all doing

I actually can't quite believe it's almost June already, I feel like this year is going so quick and slow at the same time if that makes any sense at all. Here in the UK we're still in lockdown *sighs* I think it's about week 10 and it still feels surreal if I'm completely honest. I'm majorly missing seeing friends and my grandads, having snapchat constantly reminding of uni memories from this time last year where life was full of deadlines but equally so carefree and wild is making me sad. Personally lockdown has been both a good and a bad thing for me, I am enjoying the freetime to just do the shit I ought to be doing but wasn't, like working out, obsessing over shows like One Tree Hill, hanging out with my parents again because I totally stopped doing that and I'm even becoming a bit of a chef in the kitchen (who'd have thought it). I'm getting time to read again, take my beautiful dog on the walks she deserves and just stop for a hot minute to breathe to enjoy nice days again. On the flipside I do struggle with the emptiness of not having work to constantly be doing, some days I almost feel numb waking up in the morning because I don't really have anything to do and not having anywhere to be is lowkey making me feel all kinds of crazy. I love my parents but I am massively missing friend time and it's just hard. I'm a worrier anyway but job security is on my mind a lot at the minute like I'm sure it is for most people, it's scary not really knowing if this months paycheck will be your last. I thought lockdown would get easier but I think it's a case of learning to adapt, yes it is hella strange and screentime is going up by the day but that's okay, we're all just muddling through it. 

I am craving that heat you get when you step off the plane on holiday, cliche as it probably is I've realised that pre-lockdown I wasn't really living, I was still muddling through praying the next week will go quicker than the last. I was happy but I wasn't spontaneous, having everything up in the air at the minute is making me realise that even when everything is not planned life happens anyway, you have a choice every morning, you can wake up and feel sad or you can wake up admit you feel low but make the most of the day ahead. I am a hugeeeee believer in that everything happens for a reason and whilst okay I wish corona would just end already it has made people enjoy the simpler things in life again, we don't always need to be somewhere or be doing something as long as we are healthy and happy that's all we really need. I am a self confessed shopping addict and yes I have been that girl ordering stuff over lockdown, sometimes to fill the boredom other times to give me something to look forward too but mainly because I feel it will make me happier. I guess what I'm saying is that even with all this free time I think the pressure is still there to be filling it with things. I personally do this a lot, I will make myself feel bad for only doing a few hours illustrator learning or completing hypothetical client briefs super slowly because I feel that's what I should be doing. Okay so yes I do enjoy it most of the time but when I'm not feeling it that's okay too. I guess what I'm trying to say (stop rambling Gemma) is that I think we should be listening to our minds and bodies more, do what feels good for you and don't feel otherwise, if you want to spend a day tie dyeing clothes, or chilling in front of YouTube or baking or having an online shop, then that's all okay. Do whatever you want to do to make the days feel somewhat more bearable.  

I think we're all in agreement that we can't wait for this to be over but it is also true what people say 'we'll never get free time like this again (hopefully)' so live in the moment more, don't get consumed by the news and just breathe. I've started investing so much more time into things like fitness but equally chilling out and my mind is thankful for it. There is no way right way to get through a pandemic it's just a case of figuring out what's right for you. take it day by day and don't feel guilty for doing so. 

XXX

i guess I'll take it

oh heyyyy how y'all doing? 

(If you read that in a tiktok voice then you knowwww)

But seriously I hope everyone is okay. Well I am not going to lie I've been struggling with lockdown recently, the days feel never ending and the hours get harder to fill. The tensions in my household are rising and the fallout's have definitely begun, I love my parents but if corona has taught me anything it's that I can't hack living at home much longer.
(please tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this) 

Despite that I have kinda surprised myself in lockdown, I've actually stuck to working out 5/6 days a week, I'm eating fairly healthy although the Easter chocolate is there as a support mechanism and I have actually worked on the tasks that I've been putting off for ages. Amazingly I finally think I'm getting the hang of illustrator and weirdly my biggest inspiration for artwork has been horoscopes, if I'm honest I never really believed in all that 'it's written in your stars' rubbish but since downloading the app Co-Star I've actually become a bit of a believer (and a still a true Bieber fan). Okay so I take it all with a pinch of salt but 8 times out of 10 it's relatable- like take today's rundown for instance 'feelings aren't facts' , I'm not gonna go into full details but the past few days have been a bit shitty, I seem to argue more than ever with my parents and I hate it. I can just feel the anger bubbling up inside of me and I'm really struggling to bite my tongue. The worst thing is that it's over such petty stuff, stuff that in a normal world I wouldn't even think twice about, so 'feeling aren't facts' very much relates to me at the mo. I don't know why I'm reading so much into my stars lately maybe I'm hoping it'll lead to a miracle lol but it's given me some clear headspace and some food for thought so I guess I'll take that. 

So what else have I been doing? Well of course I've been watching a lot more than usual, to be honest I'm not really a tv person like don't get me wrong there are days where I watch a lot but I like being a  proactive person and binge watching Netflix just doesn't make me feel good. That being said I have watch all of Outer Banks which I totally recommend kinda like Stranger Things minus the sci-fi mixed with surfer vibes. For some reason it gives me serious Australian vibes but it's actually set in America and I am already waiting on season 2. Last night I started watching Normal People on BBC3, originally based on a book, it's just been adapted into a series and I am really enjoying it. I still want to read the book but I couldn't resist starting the series, if you like the film One Day or Love Rosie I have a feeling you might like this. I've kinda been dipping in & out of Too Hot to Handle as well which is providing the drama in my Love Island absence. Music wise I'm still exploring new stuff this week Jeremy Zucker and Madison Beer are top of my playlist, closely followed by Lauv damn I just can't get enough of his voice. 

Workout wise ummm okay who even am I because I've been sticking to working out most days. Personally I think it's giving me a routine and almost a purpose to get out of bed in the mornings, it just makes me feel energised & ready to go (to the living room lol). I've been doing a lot of the Heather Robertson ones on YouTube, they're really good like they kill but that's what I want and I've definitely got my love for working out back. I've told myself that if I stick to working out in lockdown then whenever life gets more normal again I'll buy a gym membership so that's my motivation lol. Oh that and the fact it means I can eat more chocolate without feeling guilty- we love a balanced queen.

Of course I had to mention TikTok I mean I probably spend a good 2 hours a days on it, time just flies by on there. I have been putting my time to good use though- I have learnt a dance (granted one of the easiest but hey that's fineeee) and failed at learning many others, even tried out a few of the hacks, reworked my Nike AF1's and tested out the mirror picture shoot- SO COOL. I still want to try tie dye and potentially hair dyeing but I mean watch this space. 

That's about all really, mon-fri I'm trying to get into the routine of working out first thing, then doing work related bits for most of the day eg. training tasks, illustrator, illustrations, inspiration building on Pinterest that kinda stuff- it just keeps me in a work frame of mind I guess. Weekends are more relaxed, I still workout but the days are more chilled and evenings are catch ups with friends. I guess just keeping yourself busy is the key to this period. 

go on try out something new

xxx

Instas: 

Design account- @oh_scrambles_

Fashion account- @_lippietalk

apocalypse edit

okay where the hell to begin... 

I mean I know everyone has literally said this lately but life has suddenly felt like a movie and not in a good way. The last time I wrote on here was New Years when like everyone else I was optimistically looking forward to 2020, not only a whole new year but a new decade where anything felt possible. Here we are now, currently in April, mid lockdown here in the UK; life is on standby, both jobs I had have been furloughed, you can only leave the house for one form of exercise a day and people are stock piling toilet paper & pasta like there's no tomorrow. 

Like what the hell has actually happened to the world?!? 

I mean really you couldn't write the last few months (although yes my Tiktok obsessed self has seen the book conspiracy about this virus so maybe you can). Whilst life pre-apocalypse wasn't perfect I did start to feel like it was ever so slightly coming together. I had two jobs which despite early starts and long days I did actually enjoy, my career felt like it was somewhat starting to leave the ground. I finally brought a car (only took me 4 years after passing), beep beep after a few car drives with my dad and several heated arguments later I was off, all of sudden it was nice to not rely on other people for lifts. I had mega exciting travel plans for a tour of West coast America for the summer, which I have put off for about 3 years. And now we are in the middle of a virus pandemic that has put the world on pause. Travelling is just not a thing anymore, meeting friends is only done online and the highlight of my week is the food shop, even then it's not really a highlight because seeing people wearing plastic gloves, masks and following strict social distancing rules is kinda surreal to see. Mcdonalds, Zizzi's and my beloved Doughnotts has shut for the foreseeable, like I never thought I'd see the day Maccies shut. Tiktok has become my life (not that tbh much has changed there) from all the dances to 'I'm claustrophobic Darren' Gemma Collins memes and a failed attempt of whipped coffee hacks all can I say is that nothing matches my starbucks order. Tie dye clothing seems to be everywhere and pink hair well I haven't quite reached that point but I mean we still have a while yet... so watch this space. Please if you are a boy do not shave your head, the world isn't ready for the skinhead look. 

It's taken a global pandemic for me to actually start doing exercise, I now run 4/5 times a week- I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed it but my current love affair with the fridge has led me to this. Otherwise I'll be rolling out the house after quarantine. My skin has broken out into a zillion spots when I haven't worn makeup for god knows how long like okay sorry where's the sense in that? Netflix and I have become one; I have watched some great movies lately, Ladybird, Hot Summer Nights (I was obssessed) and not a movie but the Tiger King is hot on my radar, very strange but seriously addictive. I have also developed an unhealthy love for Timothee Chalamet (I mean come on like wow), my online shopping wishlists have double in size, and my music taste has gone down some weird indie path that I'm lowkey loving (I would now like Lauv to be the soundtrack to my life please). So although I haven't been busy I kinda have... if that makes sense. If self isolation has taught me anything lately it's that I really love illustration, I've been getting super creative again which I've missed. Inspirations have mostly come from music and films but I'm not hating that. 

The days do feel long and the past couple of days I have personally felt very unmotivated to move out of my bed, whilst I've never been fully depressed I do have a tendency to sink into a hole when I feel low and sometimes I really struggle to pick myself back up. I think that's why music and Tiktok have literally taken over my life because I just feel myself escaping life. Social distancing is hard even for a an introvert like me, living at home as an only child is strange like I mean I have video chats and constantly message friends but it's just weird to not ever be around people my own age. Life feels very lonely... obviously social distancing is super important and is ensuring you're keeping your family & others healthy and safe but it's just hard mentally. Staying positive 24/7 can be tough, taking it a day at time is a good motto to live by but I've always been someone who likes to look ahead so getting into this frame of mind is difficult but I'll get there, I mean there's no other choice. 

I don't really know what I hoping to achieve by this post today. I guess I wanted to check in, say hey and make sure that everyone is making the best of a bad situation, yes there is a lot of uncertainty and time-frames are unknown but hold on in there. We have an incredible NHS who are doing amazing and we owe a lot too, top priority is staying healthy and keeping those around you the same. Don't beat yourself up for feeling low, we're all having those days at the minute, find something to pass the time, whether that a tv show (recommendations?), exercise or baking (what is it with banana bread?) 

In the words of HSM we are all in this together. Think about the otherside. 

XXX

'it's 2020 Bish'

Okay ummm how is it 2020 already [a massive Happy New Year to all], I can literally remember 2010 like it was yesterday and now it's last decade. Oh wow time has flown by!

As per usual I thought I'd share my New Year resolutions with you all, my mindset fo the year/decade ahead, and the goals I want to set myself. So let's begin. 

Eat Clean. 

Every year without fail I set myself some form of 'lose weight goal' and pretty much it fails by end of January. 2019 my weight changed a lot, I lost pretty much a stone and a half, although I feel I'll never be happy in the weight I am, I am determined to make healthier food choices where I can this year. A lot of my weight loss was due to clean, protein based meals- a lot of vegetables, so I can noticeably see the difference when I eat clean!! That being said I love my chocolate too much so treats will still be enjoyed nevertheless so don't worry!

Make Sensible Fashion Choices.

I love clothes, I love shopping, I love trends and how style evolves, but I have realised that I need to make myself more picky when it comes to what I buy. If I can't see myself wearing it more than 10 times then I'm not buying it. Having studied fashion and working in a fashion retailer I would say I'm more aware of trends than most but I need to be careful which trends I buy into, some are for a few weeks whereas some can last years. Think ahead!



Put Time into What Makes You Feel Good.
Self care had a bit of a moment last year, in my final year of my degree I think I appreciated the 'downtime' I set aside for myself. It's okay to want to achieve big things but you need to give yourself moments to breathe. A simple nail appointment, face mask, tanning session can work wonders. If you feel good then confidence and energy comes from within.



Invest in Creative Passions that Lead to Opportunities.
Yes I am still an unemployed graduate, well I'm employed but I'm not in my grad job as of yet. 2020 this IS going to change. I can't deny it's painful getting rejection after rejection from applications, I know it's dented my confidence because now when I apply to companies I almost expect to get a no. This year [well decade] I want to invest more time & energy into my creative passions, like this blog, my YouTube, my graphic design account. I enjoy them all, it's important to continue developing my creative abilities because that's my passion and it will be my career but I just need to join the dots in-between in the meantime.

Take the Positives More.
Growing up I was always laughing and smiling, entering teenage years I guess this changed, life felt tough and focusing on the positives didn't feel like it'd solve anything. This year I'm changing my mantra, positive attitude attracts positive things, as hard as it is, I'm going to try my hardest to not to dwell on the bad stuff and focus on the good. Hopefully it pays off.

Push Myself Outside my Comfort Zone.
Trust my instincts but don't don't let them stop myself from growth, nothing comes from staying inside your comfort zone. Embrace new things and make the most of it. 2019 I definitely did things I NEVER thought I could & it paid off, I'm not quite where I want to be just yet but I can feel myself getting closer to that point.



Network.
Within any industry it helps to know people but in fashion oh boi you really need to know people. I want to use who I already know to help grow my network, collaborating more with others and learning from what other people know. 

Stop Putting Things Off.
Okay so I could always do them tomorrow but why not do it today? Unless I have an actual reason, do things today instead of tomorrow. 



Keep Myself Busy.
If the past 6 months have taught me anything it's that I need to keep myself busy, I need to have plans even if all it involves is depop organising or dog walking or wardrobe clear outs. I need to wake up knowing something that I have to do in the day ahead otherwise I just feel nothing, it's weird to explain it just helps me feel normal. I don't miss having so many stressful uni deadlines but I miss constantly having things to do.

Visit Somewhere New Once Every Month.
This can be a new cafe, city or country. I always want to travel more but realistically on my budget it's not always 'do able' but I want to visit new cities in the UK this year and I am desperate to go to America again. So lets hope I stick to this one!

Andddddd that's pretty much it. 
2020 is the year I'm going to focus on achieving my own personal goals both physically, mentally & within my career. 2019 was a incredible year after all this girl achieved her First Class Honours from university, yet equally there were so many points in both the beginning & later months of 2019 where I felt so lost. I think I focused so much on what grade I wanted to achieve that when I achieved it and finished my degree was like wow now what? I definitely discovered strength & weaknesses last year, and to make sure I'm keeping myself mentally healthy I need to keep a schedule & make time for myself. 2019 was by far not an easy ride, this time last year I was sat in a hospital bed with so many uncertainties ahead. I am proud of what I achieved last year and it for sure made me realise goals I want to achieve both short and long term. I no doubt 2020 will not be easy but it's here, there's no escaping so we've just got to make the best of it. 

xxx

i am not a failure.

"Everyone is working on life at their own pace, in their own lane"

Wowwweeee this has taken me a long time to figure out. Since graduating university I have felt massively lost with where I am and where I want to go. With friends and other graduates finding roles so quickly I couldn't help but fall into this sinking hole of sadness. I felt rubbish and felt like everything I've ever dreamed of was slipping through my fingers and nothing I could do stopped it. I couldn't understand that why with a degree I've always wanted that nothing felt right, job roles didn't excite me and the constant knock backs felt like they got me nowhere but filled me with tears. 

Over the past month I may have not secured the job I've been looking for but I know it's not through the lack of trying. Back at the beginning of October I was sitting on the jobs section of LinkedIn for easily 3 hours a day, whilst yes you do have to be actively looking for a job (imagine if it could find you), it took me a while to realise that this wasn't healthy. Suddenly I was falling into this big black hole where even waking up in the morning made me sad, I didn't really want to get out of bed because I didn't have anything to do with my day. There was a lot of tears sometimes I cried for hours for no apparent reason but I just could not make myself stop, I isolated myself from friends and I felt trapped in my home. I became lost in myself, I stopped making the effort with people because I didn't feel like I was worth knowing. For me 2019 has had some crazy highs after all I achieved what I wanted but equally some of the lowest lows, mentally I'd become so sad, sad is honestly the only way I could describe it, the only way I could describe me. The worst part was I didn't even have any reason to be sad, (is what I'm only just starting to realise now). I know I shouldn't dwell on the bad stuff this year, but when I was admitted to hospital back in January it proper freaked me out, even once fully recovered it's taken me this long to stop being so scared that it would happen all over again. Every special occasion I've had in the past 6 months, constantly in the back of my mind I just couldn't stop thinking to myself what if it happens all over again, I don't deserve to be happy. Which I now realise is utter rubbish, okay so you never know what's round the corner but I can't spend my life living like this because I wasn't living. Thursday this past week something just clicked in me, after a long overdue chat with my mum (and a few more tears) I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I'd been carrying so much unnecessary stress and worry because for a long time I've felt so out of place. The power of talking changed that for me. 

Obviously whilst I've been on the job hunt, YouTube has become a creative space I've explored and I really think it's helped get me back to my normal self, back to me again. I know everyone says this but I really couldn't care less if only one person watches it, because throughout that whole filming, editing and uploading process it gave me something to get up for in my day. It gave me short term motivations that stopped me pressing the self destruct button. Today for the first time I laughed out loud whilst out food shopping with my parents over something completely silly and for the first time in a very long time it felt so pure and weightless, I felt back to my old self again. For me rediscovering "me" was what I needed more than anything over this past month, and whilst I am still applying for jobs in the same old manner, I'm actually getting excited filling out the applications again. I'm thinking more creatively about what will make me stand out, and more importantly I'm applying more on brand for roles that don't feel so out of my reach. 

It's taken me so long to get back to this place again. to get back to me. To find not necessarily what I've been looking for but finding somewhere close. Now I know and truly believe that 'hey so I don't have my graduate job yet' but that's okay because something out there is made more perfect for me. Everyone is going at there own pace and I don't need to feel shit about myself for not achieving everything at the same pace as everyone else. I am not a failure because I am in my own lane doing things at my own rate, just remember that. 

xxx

I just can't figure me out

For the first September in 17 years I am not going back into education and I really don't know how I feel about it. Like wowwwwww 17 years was a long time and now I have a lot of free time on my hands & no bloody idea of what to do with it all.

Obviously the long waiting game of job hunting has begun, after my internship in August I decided to go back to the drawing board and try to decide what I really what to achieve. Deciding this was a lot nicer by the pool in Morocco then actually putting it into action, so my parents have given me a deadline, find a 'proper' job by the end of October or it's back to Odeon until something pops up. Okay so I guessing what you're all thinking the end of October is a long time away and truth is it is, we haven't even started the month yet. But it's kinda hard to find a job when I just feel a bit stuck. The only way I can describe how I'm feeling is like being tank that's slowly filling with water and whilst there's a simple solution to open the lid I just can't figure it out. I just can't figure me out. 

As cliche, naive and whatever else you want to call it, I know I want to achieve something amazing but I feel like a failure because I'm not achieving that amazing thing right here & now. I think more people need to talk about life after uni because finishing and graduating university is an amazing thing, but no-one really talks about how your meant to feel after, I'm talking about after all the hype has died down and suddenly the people you graduated with are split between having found their 'it' that first proper job and just being stuck in the in-between. I loved my course & my uni but no one tells you how you can quite literally apply to hundreds of jobs and not get one offer even with the degree grade, or how even landing an interview is a mission on it's own and of course how to deal with the rejection of going through all that and ending up back at square 1 again. Adulting is hard and it can be proper deflating, at uni I felt so sure of everything and now I don't feel sure of anything. I want to feel inspired again but I just don't know how to get there. 

I've started forcing myself to physically be creative but like any creative knows forcing yourself is not going to make you create anything you really like or want to share with the world. I just want to feel like me again. So if you have any advice I'm all ears to listen. I need to find my mojo again & rediscover that thing that makes me jump out of bed in the morning.

XXX

"Well that is the job of an intern?!"

The fashion world can be massively competitive, bitchy and bloody tough to crack, but no matter what the horror stories I've heard in the past, I was and still am massively determined to give it bloody everything I have. It took years to figure out my niche and a degree to hold it all in place, for me finding out I had a month's long internship with a brand I've not only followed for years but who I personally love aesthetic wise- I thought that everything was falling into place.

With less than a week left, and September dawning I kinda thought you know what I'll share my experience. An experience it was indeed.

For me I live in what feels like the middle of nowhere, okay so maybe technically it's not quite as remote as I make out but fashion wise, it might as well be a tiny field on a remote island, I always knew relocating would be a necessity as much as a desire. Manchester or London (or NYC one day) realistically they're the places I'll have to go. For this specific internship London came calling, an actual dream come true; my room is bliss, I love the bright buzz of the city and having everything I thought I could possibly ever need a few tube stops away, it really did feel perfect! Whilst the daily tube commute isn't the most luxurious, deep down I didn't mind it because I thought this was it, my very first crack into industry barely two weeks after graduation.

Looking back at the past 3 going on 4 weeks is a weird mix of emotions, part of me feels proud- living in London knowing very few people is daunting for anyone and it's something I never truly thought I'd do especially not at the age of 22. And the other part of me feels like a very, very tiny fish in a very big pond. I knew industry was always going to be a big step from university, everyone within the industry relies on tasks being completed promptly within an extremely, fast paced environment- it's tough. Mentally damn it was tough. Whilst I am incredibly grateful for the experience I honestly don't think I've ever felt as inadequate as I have recently. It had me questioning everything; did I do the right degree, will I ever make it in this cut throat industry and most importantly I questioned my own creative abilities. I felt like nothing and no one surrounded by people who were somebody's going places. I am not slating the company I interned for or any of the people I've met along the way but it was an eye opening experience, more than I ever expected it to be. I know the phrase everyone has to start somewhere but I just didn't expect this.

Obviously the job role intern comes with crappy tasks making you question why you're even there in the first place, with only my tube expenses paid for, I am not going to lie financially interning is tough alone. Working for free with a degree qualification is quite demoralising, I am a strong believer that over 20 years old you should be paid at least the minimum wage for any internship, it's free labour and quite frankly it's not fair. Fair enough from a business perspective I get hiring interns and paying them could be risky but realistically how do companies expect people to support themselves and gain highly requested industry experience without a wage? I know I knew all of this when I accepted the internship, I choose & kinda agreed to the not being paid contract but when you're doing the same long hours and gruelling tasks it kinda makes you & your work feel worthless.

I don't hate my internship, but I really don't love it like I imagined I would. I still like the company, the people were friendly most of the time with a few exceptions, but besides the feeling of being inadequate, I just found it boring. Like I even feel bad typing that right now- should I even say that? But it's true. Whilst I love Pinterest, personally I don't want to be sat scrolling more 7 hours or more a day on it, creating styling boards that don't even really get consider- it just felt like I was wasting my time for my creative eye to not even be given a chance. Speaking of time, there just wasn't enough to fill my day, I am one of those people who likes to be busy and whilst I did have a few days where I didn't really stop especially when it came to organising shoot products. Generally it felt like I was watching the clock- counting down the hours till I could leave but surely thats not right I'm in the industry I want my career in I shouldn't be clock watching or counting the days till the weekend.

I was hired as a photography intern, and whilst I knew there was going to be parts that were going to be dull, I just didn't expect the entire 3 weeks to feel like that. Shoot days granted they go quicker, but I couldn't help but feel like a spare part, surrounded by creative people doing creative things and what was I doing, the boring typical tea/coffee duties, hoovering, steaming and organising lunch. I mean that's not what I signed up for. Fair enough I know you have to start from the bottom but it felt pointless and underwhelming, my favourite one liner from my experience has been "well that is the job of an intern" but why should it be. Yes this was a learning experience, and yes that is the purpose of interning and yes I have realised I want the exact opposite to what I just interned in. I am creative, I want to be creative, physically making creative things. I want to be the one designing cool graphics or taking cool shots on shoot, creating something that's mine not something that I have to give credit to someone else for. I've met a lot of self-righteous people lately who seem to think because I didn't go to a London uni or because I did a more general fashion covered degree that I'm less of a creative, my creative opinion didn't count for anything and I hated that.

Yes I am grateful for the experience, but I will be finishing this coming Thursday with the knowledge that I definitely don't want to intern again in what I just have done. I will be looking for more hands on creative experiences from now on so I guess it's taught me something. I don't think interning will get any easier, networking is key but I wasn't myself here, I dreaded my alarm going off in the morning not because of the 6am start but the purpose didn't make it worthwhile, I felt like I faded into the background, whilst I wanted the contacts I didn't feel worthy enough to have them. I was paranoid that my work wasn't good enough and honestly their is nothing more kick in the teeth than feeling undervalued.

I am aware that I need more industry experience, and whilst this experience has made me feel about 10cm tall I will be putting myself out there to more creative experiences, maybe I'll just put the empathsis more on being the creative next time. 

XXX